No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
