Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
