remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
