I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
