I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
