When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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