So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You made out with two different species that night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
