my sisters under your porch take her home
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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