Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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