i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize