fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
