I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Floor bacon is actually really good
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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