he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
