next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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