I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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