Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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