i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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