I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
