i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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