i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
