all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize