I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
