I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
