dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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