i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
