i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
