Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
