I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
