I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
