my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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