How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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