he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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