can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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