I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
