dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
