i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Two words: nipple clamps
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