Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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