I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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