I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
