i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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