**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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