What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
