im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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