i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
