I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
