Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
