I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
