ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
