Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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