she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
