it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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