Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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