and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is her dick bigger than yours?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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