the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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