Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
