I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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