I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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