i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
