I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
