i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
